Monday, April 7, 2008
Open letter to Naomi Cambell
Dear morally vacuous featherweight coke-snorting spoiled-rotten demon-spawn Naomi Campbell
For some time now I have been barraged by the media with your scowl and tantrums. I did not go looking for it, somehow your stories took precedence over world peace, the starving and global warming in the news. Normally I ignore the courtship the media and you have but your most recent outburst and attack have made you uglier than I have originally thought you where (taking into account of your appalling level of conduct you should have gained the beauty of someone who stood beside the opening of the covenant). Lets take a look at your criminal history;
1998: Caused uproar on a plane when she lashed out at a passenger, saying: "You are an ugly bitch with a head like an alien."
2000: Pleaded guilty to assaulting her PA with a phone and threatening to throw her out of moving car in 1998. Ordered to attend anger management classes. A second PA also claimed she had been attacked.
Nov 2003: Sued by assistant, who claimed Campbell threw her on a sofa before keeping her hostage and throwing a mobile at her.
Aug 2004: Accused of punching and scratching housekeeper in New York.
Nov 2004: Accused of headbutting PA.
2005: Actress Yvonne Scio said she was left "covered in blood" after Naomi attacked her.
July 2006: Allegedly slapped assistant and beat her round head with BlackBerry. Settled out of court in June 2007.
March 2006: Charged with assaulting housekeeper with diamond-studded mobile, leaving 3in gash in her head. Sentenced in Jan 2007 to five days' community service.
Nov 2006: Accused of assaulting her drugs counsellor in London.
Being a somewhat fan of wrestling I believe I may have found you an anger management coach; I only hope your people contact her people to halt your temper tantrums once and for all.
Failing that , after a hard day with my kids I invite you to come to dublin where you can do your present community service and act as a conduit to my stress.