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! Cant impart too much information as I would have to kill you with my bare hands

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Through the tears

My Dad is extremely prudish, in fact I remember when we where kids, if any sign of nudity or talk of sex the newspaper would be raised to camouflage his beetroot hue, or he would walk out of the room saying nothing. He is old fashioned in that respect, its just around his kids or daughters he was like that I expect. So you can imagine how surprised and taken aback I actually was when he relayed the following story last Sunday to me.

The scene. My mother sitting at the dining room table leafing through the newspaper before settling down to the crossword.

Dad; Monica I literally have a pain in my arse, I think its those new underpants, it just feels so uncomfortable down there

Mom ; I have the very thing for you

fetches a spray

Mom; Now you would be better off spraying this on some toilet paper and applying it

Dad ; right so

My dad trusts my Mom with everything, down to choosing his clothes to giving him unprescribed painkillers/medication.

Dad did what he was told for the application, he liberally sprayed the toilet paper and made first contact, a white hot pain coursed through his arse, his eyes went like knobs on a church organ and to quote unquote,his toes curled so much that he 'pulled the bleeding tiles off the floor' .

Through the high pitched howls and the tears he looked at the offending spray which stated its main medicinal purpose was for athlete's foot and for jock itch. I think my dads tushy problems where misinterpreted wildly by my mother due to my dads communication breakdown to precise the area and the symptoms. Dad said he shuffled back to the kitchen 4 hours later to find out what the fuck (in his words) my mother was exactly playing at.

Relaying the events to my mother nearly gave her a migraine from the laughter. My dad did not move from his seat for the rest of the day and he said he felt like the was sitting on machette blade.

He said he couldn't watch the tv either through the tears.

Poor bastard.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Bad Smell

For the small few of those who have returned to my blog to find yet again , day in day out I have written sweet FA I hope my presence here again comes as a pleasant surprise - you see on new years eve my infection that plagued my right leg since September decided to upsticks and move into the des res that is my left leg - but it was not as near hellish its first attempt to seek and destroy the first one. Leg one is doing nicely - despite the scar no longer needs to be bound like a chinese foot at a ripe age; Leg two is donning the mummy look with an elastoplast rigid bandage with harbours a coal tar paste muslin - so in zombie confectionary terms I would be classed as a double centre - hard but with a soft centre. My kids have been demanding and I dont feel like making entries if you'll pardon the pun, in my blog with both legs ellivated and spread (Id feel like I was missing a web cam in the process yknow) So to keep in with the tone of flakiness Im back, back in so far as when I can get the opportunity and when suolas has the apple free and down stairs where the net access is. I know it sounds very pishy of an excuse that I havent found at least one hour a week to do this but ask any mom of toddlers to find and hour a week to themselves and they will tell you that its the stuff of urban legend..So instead of disgusting you guys with details of pus filled wounds etc I decided to throw you a bone of humour that had me chortling way above the the prohibited decibles for sleeping children..
TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese man was arrested for trespassing this week after turning up at a high school dressed in a girl's uniform and a long wig, local police said.

Thirty-nine-year-old Tetsunori Nanpei told police he had bought the uniform over the Internet and put it on to take a stroll near the school in Saitama, north of Tokyo, on Wednesday, the daily Asahi Shimbun said.

When students standing outside the gates started to scream at the sight of him, he dashed inside the school grounds, hoping to blend in with the crowds of teenagers, the paper said.

They also screamed, forcing the man to flee, losing his wig in the process. A school clerk pursued him and stopped him at a nearby riverbank, the paper said.

Police confirmed the arrest of the man in school uniform and wig but declined to give further details.