Mitch Hedberg - My reason to smile these days

Murder in the Playground

The crescent moon of bark and mulch spilled over to the narrow pathway of the public seating in the play area of Merrion Park. The previous nights wind ensured the park attendant had its work cut out for him. I bring my girls here nearly every morning around 8:30am to breakfast with the birds and run the steam out of them before lunchtime. Its a ritual that starts off with them trying to climb up beside Oscar Wilde, then to the playground and then sitting on the late Dermot Morgans (Father Ted) Jesters chair to eat strawberry sandwiches and feed the birds.
Yesterday the little oasis of greenery here in the city took on a bit of a sinister hue. The playground is usually empty at that hour of the morning, so my girls have the run of the place. The silence of the playground was only broken occasionally with my children shouting me to look at them whilst they went down the slide or climbed a certain level of a climbing frame. Then a cacophony of noise invaded the air, I looked up to see two magpies rowing with a huge raven, the magpies where obscured by the foliage of the pine tree but I knew their machine gun caws and had no problem seeing the raven.

After about five minutes there was a cascade of feathers and alarming sounds from the birds that made the girls stop in their tracks. Clearly I could see the raven pinch one of the magpies neck and throw it with much force (and its owner) across a few branches where it slumped and fell to the ground just outside the perimeter of the playground fencing. The remaining magpie cawed furiously and the murdering raven absconded the scene. The other poor bugger flew down to its slain friend cocked its head and flew off. No doubt it went looking for the raven to avenge its friends death. I didn't think that ravens or magpies where predatory of their own species (as ravens and magpies belong to the corvid family) so I did a little bit of research to see why or what could have possibly happened - as it turns out magpies are notorious for eating other birds eggs so I surmised that it was possibly these partners in crime had upset the ravens nest and one of them payed a heavy price at the ravens beak. Did justice prevail ? Maybe. But explaining to my girls that the 'birdy was taking a rest' was easier than telling them a murder had just taken place amongst the flora and fauna of the park..

Object of Beauty

I have been a stranger here for a bit, One reason was that of the death of my Aunt and another was that I couldn't find the cable for the camera to do this post justice. A while ago I ran a caption contest Which Slaghammer of Alchemy Anyone won. He gave me postal details which where slightly incorrect, so the package was sent back to me and I returned it back to slags corner of the world with the correct address. The very over generous Slaggy sent me an urn of his which I commented on some time back as a gesture of all the two-ing and fro ing in the postal japery that occurred. But that was not the end of everything , the parcel arrived alright but the postal service demanded over seventy euro for it (it was 7am in the morning when it arrived and I had not been to the bank yet so I declined receiving it that day and told Slaggy about it, he was furious so to cut a long story short after some conversations between both sides of the Atlantic to the Irish postal system the urn arrived back to Slaggy where his lovely wife Jilly put the correct customs documents on it and hey presto! It now resides in Chez Aucturas. I have shown everyone whos crossed my door since the object of beauty with its stew of smoke on the neck and the luster of beetle greens and damsons at the base (unfortunately the light in my back room here does it no justice) But I feel immensely fortunate and proud to have it in my collection. For the time being its settling in between a copy of Poe and Le fanu (on one of the many book cases here) Until we install the glass shelves and lights for the alcove. Publicly I would like to Thank Slag and Jill again for their Generous Gesture and patience of the backward system that is the Irish postal system.

Tinkles

Something which is very overlooked music wise I think are Original soundtracks or rather movie scores. Nick Cave & Warren Ellis did the music to the Assassination of the Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford. It such a beautifully innocent mix of meditative and childlike wonder in music form.(what my girls refer to it as magic music) Ill let you listen to it and make your own decision on what it sounds like ..

Open letter to Naomi Cambell

Dear morally vacuous featherweight coke-snorting spoiled-rotten demon-spawn Naomi Campbell

For some time now I have been barraged by the media with your scowl and tantrums. I did not go looking for it, somehow your stories took precedence over world peace, the starving and global warming in the news. Normally I ignore the courtship the media and you have but your most recent outburst and attack have made you uglier than I have originally thought you where (taking into account of your appalling level of conduct you should have gained the beauty of someone who stood beside the opening of the covenant). Lets take a look at your criminal history;


1998: Caused uproar on a plane when she lashed out at a passenger, saying: "You are an ugly bitch with a head like an alien."

2000: Pleaded guilty to assaulting her PA with a phone and threatening to throw her out of moving car in 1998. Ordered to attend anger management classes. A second PA also claimed she had been attacked.

Nov 2003: Sued by assistant, who claimed Campbell threw her on a sofa before keeping her hostage and throwing a mobile at her.

Aug 2004: Accused of punching and scratching housekeeper in New York.

Nov 2004: Accused of headbutting PA.

2005: Actress Yvonne Scio said she was left "covered in blood" after Naomi attacked her.

July 2006: Allegedly slapped assistant and beat her round head with BlackBerry. Settled out of court in June 2007.

March 2006: Charged with assaulting housekeeper with diamond-studded mobile, leaving 3in gash in her head. Sentenced in Jan 2007 to five days' community service.

Nov 2006: Accused of assaulting her drugs counsellor in London.


Being a somewhat fan of wrestling I believe I may have found you an anger management coach; I only hope your people contact her people to halt your temper tantrums once and for all.
Failing that , after a hard day with my kids I invite you to come to dublin where you can do your present community service and act as a conduit to my stress.


Sincerely

Jude