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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Classic Classifieds


This song was in my head all morning and it got me thinking here at work (my boss is currently looking for 'that special someone' and got me to put up his profile on dating sites) how much of a seedy underbelly that world has - heres a collection of all the strange brews setting out stalls in the meat market..
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BABY BIRD / Fed up with watersports? Constrained by traditional dominant- submissive roles? Try a more nurturing role: feed me like a baby pelican! Both sexes welcome. I supply the raw herring, you bring the big strap-on beak. No weirdos.
Minimalist seeks woman

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Patriarch of up-and-coming religion seeks altar girl

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Jane no good, Cheetah stinks. Tarzan seeks swinging GM to be the lord of his jungle.

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SWM, old, fat, balding, many disgusting habits seeks SWF with money. Send pictures of your house, car, RV. This could be your lucky day.

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Hello, I am Neil, 52-years old and single. I have a 12-year-old daughter that is my own, however, my former wife disappeared with her, two years ago somewhere in the Phillipines. I am an insurance agent and sold to myself large amounts of life insurance, which is very important now, in that I now have a spreading prostate cancer that is expected to kill me, within three years! #1715

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JELLO BOY-SWM who likes to slowly fold canned fruit into jello, seeks female partner for distinctly American activities. Dirty pigeons need not respond. Teleclub Ext. 40485

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"Submissive male seeks dominant female with extensive knowledge of knots."

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Mix on the Beach Mix 1970 SWM Vodka, Hazel melon, Pineapple Blonde Juice, GL Rasberry Liqueur,NM Cranberry Juice. Shake with 20-30oz SF in ice in a tall NS glass. Drink Casually only.

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1970 GMC w/Jet Skiis SWM, NM, GL, NS, SD, AC. Low mileage, custom paint, long sandy blonde graphics. 6'2" Lift. Bright hazel headlights will take 20-30 SF anywhere. Email for free test drive/ride.

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Superboy seeks Clarke Kent. Come fly with me.

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Hideous-looking, obese, smelly, ill-tempered, lazy, cowardly, chronic, and a complete liar seeks total opposite.

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SWM into chainsaws and hockey masks seek likeminded SWF. No weirdos, please.
SWM seeks 300lb+ woman to sit and squash doughnuts on me. Box 1234 From the Boston Phoenix



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Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums. Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.

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Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you-choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?

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Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.

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I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.

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There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.

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Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.

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When I was thirty my dates had to be young, slim, tall, handsome, rich, intelligent. Now I'm 64, they only have to know how to read and use the telephone!

7 comments:

Hammer said...

Those are some winners. I'm glad I never went that route.

Stucco said...

I'm howling over here

Glamourpuss said...

These remind me of those small ads Jimmy Carr placed in Loot.

Puss

Brian said...

Those people are truly the bottom rung of society but could easily work in the cubicle next to you and you wouldn't have the slightest clue except for the smell of mayonnaise and peanut butter wofting through your office.

Crankster said...

What, exactly, are "distinctly American activities"?

Does he want to sit on a La-Z-Boy, munch chips, drink beer, and watch a football game?

slaghammer said...

My favorite is “Three toed mango peeler.” Btw, love Roy Orbison, good two steppin music.

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