Im a little bit idle today so you guys must bare the brunt of this.. Enjoy
Billy Connolly's life lessons
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Have lots of long lie-ins.
Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f*cking great.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Boo joggers.
Don't work out, work in.
Play the banjo.
Sleep with somebody you like.
Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts.
Try to live in a place you like.
Marry somebody you like.
Try to do a job you like.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout "F*ck them all!" at the top of your voice.
Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old.....look forward to it.
Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "f*cks" in it.
Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.
Salute nobody.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Campaign against blue Smarties.
Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: It's good to be alive."
And now for some useless trivia Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past royalty. This custom has evolved into the modern military salute.Spiral staircases in medieval castles turn right as they ascend. This was so that (right-handed) knights defending the castle could more easily combat invading foes who were climbing the stairs.
Dashing horses kicking up mud (among other things), splashing the passengers riding behind them, led to the invention of the dashboard, a term which survives today.
Firehouses have circular stairways because the engines were at a time pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor, and figured out how to walk up straight staircases
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The US purchased Alaska from Russia for approximately 2 cents an acre.
The names of the three monkeys are Mizaru (see no evil), Kikazaru (hear no evil), and Iwazaru (speak no evil).
The Greek word "gymnasium" means "to exercise naked". In Ancient Greece, gymnasts wore no clothes.
Dismas and Gestas were the two thieves crucified with Jesus.
The term "dodger" (from the Brooklyn Dodgers, now known as the Los Angeles Dodgers) was a shortened form of "trolley dodgers," which described Brooklynites for their ability to avoid being hit by trolley cars.
The ghosts in Pac-Man are named Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde.
Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus.
Thomas Crapper is credited with inventing the modern-day toilet, and Otto Titsling with inventing the brassiere. Major General Joseph Hooker allegedly paid prostitutes to accompany his soldiers in the Civil War.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. A group of owls is called a parliament
The two lions in front of the New York Public Library are currently named Patience and Fortitude
The word "pound" is abbreviated "lb." from the Latin "libra pondo", meaning weight or balance, where the constellation got its name.
The word "checkmate" comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," meaning "the king is dead".
"Alma mater" means "bountiful mother".
"Admiral" is derived from the Arabic phrase "amir al bahr," which means "lord of the sea".
"Stewardesses", "reverberated", and "lollipop" are the longest words that can be typed using only one hand on a keyboard. "Skepticisms" is the longest word that alternates hands, while the longest word that can be typed using the top row only is "typewriter".
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
